Sunday, 1 September 2019

A Rainbow After the Storm

Dear friends,

A lot has changed here since I last wrote. Little did I know that, one sunny day at the beginning of June, my whole life would take on a new direction.


After almost 15 years of being with my husband (7 of them married), he took the decision to end our relationship. The reasons are personal, but what followed would be the hardest, most devastating and emotional time of my life.

In that moment, I felt my entire world collapse around me. What would the future hold for me and my 2 young children? All my dreams and hopes for my family going forwards were shattered. Gone. My heart was broken, so much so that I felt I couldn't breath. The pain in my chest so immense, I couldn't even stand up straight. I cried so many tears I could taste the salt in the air.

In the weeks that followed, I fell apart inside... but kept it together on the outside. Many people never suspected a thing. For the first time though, I suffered from the effects of anxiety and ended up having to take time off work. There was no way I could concentrate on the education and welfare of others when I could barely look after myself.


The grief took over me; it would creep up on me when I was least expecting it, and engulf me in waves. One day I just drove round and round in my car on my own. I'm still not sure where I went, or how long I was driving for. At times, I couldn't see a way out, a way through to the other side. Sadness pulled at me like quicksand. I couldn't see the wood for the trees. The fog just wouldn't clear. 

But I did manage. I somehow found the strength to get up each day, to take care of my children and shield them from their uncertain future. Through the devastation, pain, sickness and palpitations, I found an inner strength I never knew I was capable of. Behind me now is 8 weeks of emotional hell and 4 weeks of a new beginning. A rainbow after the storm.

Now, the children and I have a new home, a fresh start and a bright future ahead. Now is our time to have new adventures and make new memories. I have to be honest, I wasn't certain I'd ever get to this point. Our blog tagline is "Find joy in the little things, every day," and there has never been a truer sentiment to live by.

Making new memories on a bug hunt!
Something a simple as trying to find the positives in each and every day has really helped me to survive. Sometimes the positive was just getting dressed, getting the children to school, a day without tears - other times it was things like finding an immaculate second-hand 3 piece suite for a bargain price to help furnish our new home, or quietly watching the kids play happily in their new bedroom.

We've spent our 6 week summer holiday settling in to our new lives, our lovely little new house and new routines. I haven't been able to do as much with the children as I usually would during our time off, but we have started to make memories as a family of three. We've even started a picture wall, with photos that make us smile and remind us of happy times together since we started afresh. The children have been amazing actually. I am so incredibly proud of them.

I have also found a lot of comfort and encouragement in certain quotes and positive affirmations. I'll put a post together soon of my favourites! I never really thought words could be so comforting, or ring so true but some people really do say exactly what I am thinking and feeling. When you're experiencing some of the worst times of your life, it's easy to forget that you're not the only one who has ever felt like you do. In a time of such dark loneliness and isolation, I didn't feel quite so alone when reading them.

Today, I can look back at the shell of the person I became and feel proud that I have come through to the other side. There are tough times ahead, a lot of "firsts" to encounter, and flashes of memories from a life that is no more that knock me off balance. I will try to ride the waves of emotions that wash over me with grace, and strength and continue to see the light in the darkness.

As I sit here, with warm tears running down my cheeks, and an ache in my heart that is yet to subside, I just wanted to let you all know that it's ok not to be ok. Try to be kind to yourself. Take one day, one step at a time. There is light at the end of the tunnel; it may be in the distance and far out of reach, but you will get there. I'm not quite there yet, but I can see it now, and I believe I will reach it. 

The storm is passing...I will soon see my rainbow.

All my love,
Rachel
xxx



I'm linking up this post with these fabulous blogs:

It's OK
Keep Calm and Carry On Linking Sunday      Confessions of a New Mummy

29 comments:

  1. Sending massive hugs. What a rotten time you have had. I am glad you are coming out of the storm. x

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  2. Oh my you have been through a lot and come out fighting, be proud of all you have achieved. If you can survive what you have the past few months then you can certainly face the futre with hope. Good luck to you and your gorgeous kids xx #KCACOLS

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  3. Wow, you should be so proud of what you have achieved over the last few months. I hope the light at the end of the tunnel continues to get brighter until you're out the other end and stood under your rainbow with your kids by your side. X #KCACOLS

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  4. Well done on getting so far, in just a few short months, that really is a massive achievement and you should be very proud. Hold on to that as you face new challenges, you are a strong lady. And I love the idea of your picture wall x

    #KCACOLS

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    1. Thank you for your lovely comment. The picture wall will help us in lots of ways I hope. x

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  5. I'm so sorry to hear about your marriage. You sound like you're an amazing lady and your children are lucky to have you. Sending hugs. #KCACOLS

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  6. I think sometimes people don't realize how devastating the ending of a relationship can be. Even if everyone ends up happier in the end it really is the death of something and its OK to grieve for it #kcacols

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    1. It certainly is a grieving process. I hope it’s true what they say, that time is a great healer. I’m hoping I’ll be happier in the end. Thank you Jeremy. :)

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  7. Rach, this post is absolutely beautiful. You have done amazingly well and should be so proud of yourself. Sending lots and lots of love xxxxxx

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    1. Thank you so much Ella. See you for cake soon. Always makes things better! x

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  8. Life does throw some unexpected curve ball at us and it is wonderful how well you have handled the situation. Sharing it here only shows your resilience and what a strong person you are! As you said ....Find joy in the little things, every day...and that is all that matters xx

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    1. It’s the little things, and the love I have for my kids that pulled me through. Thank you for your kind words. x

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  9. Wishing you so much more joy and happy times making memories after such an uncertain time. And sending lots of love x #KCACOLS

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  10. Aw bless you, what amazing strength you must have, can't imagine how hard it has been. Hope your rainbow arrives soon. Thanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope you come back again next time.

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  11. So very sorry for the hurt you have gone and are going through but also wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart. Right now, I need to read posts like this but yours is the first I have found. Wishing you and those little ones a very positive present and even better future #TwinklyTuesday

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    1. Kate, it was worth writing it just to know I’ve helped one person in some way. I hope you are ok. Thank you for your lovely comment, it means so much to me. x

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  12. Oh gosh I am so sorry to hear this, it must be so devastating especially out of the blue. But I admire your strength to keep going. Sending lots of love X #twinklytuesday

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  13. I’m sorry that you have had this sorrow in your life. Sometimes the rainbow on the other side is sweeter for our sorrow.

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  14. What a beautifully-written, heartfelt, honest post. It made me cry and I don’t know you! So sorry you’ve had such a rubbish time. I’m really pleased you’re coming through the other side. Good luck x #itsok

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    1. Thank you Helen, what kind things to say. I just needed to write what was in my head and heart at that very moment. It will be good to use as a sign post for where I was; one day I will look back and see how far I’ve come. x

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  15. Gosh, what an emotional read. Sorry to hear that life has been so tough on you. You've achieved so much in a short space of time, one day you'll look back with pride at how well you've coped, you're bloody brilliant. Lots of love to you all x #twinklytuesday

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